Issue 04
BATTLE OF THE BANDS
By Jeff Penalty and Michael DelahautIllustration By WISE
Southern California high schools are noted for churning out fame and talent. Any tour-bus driver worth his or her salt could drive you around the Greater Los Angeles area and point out the alma-maters of any number of famous actors and musicians. “On your right is Hollywood High, where Ricky Nelson and Brandy both walked the halls…coming up on your left is Grant High, where Mickey Dolenz of The Monkees was reported to have first faked playing an instrument…”
Perhaps it’s the proximity to the heart of the entertainment industry that allows young talent to flourish, perhaps it’s the gene pool of fame perpetually refilling itself, or perhaps there’s some sort of geothermal phenomenon that only the ancient Druids would understand, but Los Angeles-area high schools seem to have a disproportionately high number of famous alumni. Most high schools around the country are lucky if their local Battle of the Bands produces anything more than a few metalheads trying to be the next Dream Theater or a few future frat boys trying to be the next Green Day. But at the end of each school year, if one were to make the rounds of the high school talent shows in the Greater Los Angeles area, it is likely that eventually one would have some I-saw-them-way-back-when bragging rights.
Imagine, if you will, a Battle of the Bands fought by the alumni of L.A.’s area schools. It would be a star-studded affair, the likes of which Viacom Entertainment would drool over.
Notre Dame High’s Dave Navarro would start the proceedings by shredding through “The Star-Spangled Banner” Hendrix-style on his guitar, making his fellow alums, Kirsten Dunst and Jerry “The Beaver” Mathers, proud. But Monica Lewinsky and Crispin Glover wouldn’t even flinch, because representing their school, Beverly Hills High, would be Lenny Kravitz, who’d easily hold his own.
Paula Abdul from Van Nuys High (who already has an edge, since her school was featured in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Rock ‘n’ Roll High School) would come out next, singing and tap-dancing her way into the judges’ hearts, but her performance would be overshadowed by a furious sing/dance-off between two of Montclair Prep’s finest: Michael and Janet Jackson.
The Jacksons would unfortunately be disqualified due to numerous allegations of diddling underclassmen and a wardrobe malfunction, but even with the disqualification, everyone would assume that Hawthorne High’s Beach Boys would have a hard time following the Jackson kids. But what no one counts on is their surprise guest guitarist: fellow Hawthorne alum Greg Hetson from Bad Religion and the Circle Jerks! Of course, El Camino Real High puts up three of the other members of Bad Religion right afterwards, and the judges give equal points to both schools.
With things heating up, Agoura High’s entry, featuring members of Hoobastank and Linkin Park, takes the stage, and is subsequently pelted with rotten fruit and lawn darts. Even their buddies and follow-up act Incubus from neighboring Calabasas High can’t save them from the onslaught.
Sonny Bono from Inglewood High and Liza Manelli from Chadwick both drop out of the Battle and run home, afraid for their lives. But Crenshaw High’s Ice-T ain’t afraid of a few lousy tomaters, and his intense performance takes the crowd by storm. He’s in the lead!
And he’s a hard act to follow. The Bangles’ Susanna Hoffs from Pacific Palisades High sings and strums an acoustic guitar, but her voice cracks from the pressure, despite coaching and reassurance backstage from Palisades alumni Christie Brinkley and Barry “Greg Brady” Williams. Snoop Dogg made his way to the competition all the way from Polytechnic High down in Long Beach, but one too many doobies backstage causes him to enter a giggling fit and miss his set. And even though University High’s Nancy Sinatra offers up an Oingo-Boingoed version of “These Boots Are Made For Walking,” thoughtfully arranged for her by fellow Wildcat Danny Elfman and with accompaniment on keyboards by University alum Randy Newman, Ice-T is still ahead of the pack.
The audience members, L.A. Natives through and through, start to head for the doors as the equivalent of the 8th inning sets in. But the unmistakable sound of Slash’s guitar turns them right the fuck around. It’s Fairfax High’s turn on stage. Anthony Keidis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers on vocals. Flea on bass. Slash on guitar. And…um…Al Franken on drums (who knew?). Even with Al’s sloppy playing, the crowd is on its feet! This contest just got interesting…
But then the back doors of the auditorium slam open. The audience falls silent and turns to see a gang of silhouettes, shrouded in smoke. Likely, it’s smoke leftover from when they filmed Motley Crue’s “Smoking In The Boys’ Room” video at their school. That’s right: it’s the crew from William Howard Taft High School. A rag-tag bunch of valley kids that no one thought to bet on make their way down the aisles and onto the stage. Joan Jett and Jane Wiedlin strap on their axes. Brad Wilk from Audioslave and Rage Against the Machine is perched on his drum throne. Danny Boy and Everlast from House of Pain signal the band to start, and suddenly Taft High is in full effect. The audience is blown away, jumping in unison and cheering wildly. And just when they think things can’t get any hotter, Ice Cube and MC Ren join their schoolmates on stage and just fucking wreck the place.
Despite the numerous gold and platinum records that the Taft High alums have between them and the numerous award statuettes on their shelves, it’s a sure bet that their framed award certificates from the All-County Fantasy Battle of the Bands will be one of their most treasured possessions.
And to think that tickets were only two dollars each and included a free carton of orange drink…